i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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