Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
