Duck Duck Cougar?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
