I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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