i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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