I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
