Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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