i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
