the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
