lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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