I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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