if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
