I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
