I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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