When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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