i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
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in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
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So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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