Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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