May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
