Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
