This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
