I feel great
I just peed on a car
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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