Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just had sex on a roof
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
