John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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