I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
