"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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