Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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