Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
