I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
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He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
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CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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