Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
