based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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