Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
