So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
