Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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