im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
