you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
