I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
