very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
