My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
