you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize