So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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