My liver just broke up with me...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
