you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
