At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
