What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
