Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
