life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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