she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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