oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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