Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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