I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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