be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
