I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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