the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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