I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
